The Titillating Chronicles of Hairy Pooter
by BroadwayNightOwl
Summary: Hairy Pooter and his friends, Hermanjanite Granger and Ron Beaverly, go cavorting around Hogsluts and endure Voldemorecock's wrath. All characters OOC. R&R!
1. Hairy Pooter and the Sorcerer's Boner

_Hello everyone! My friend, Faded Galaxia (.net/u/85828/Faded_Galaxia) and I created this parody just for fun and to make people laugh. The usual reaction to our stories is usually "wait…WHAT…?" Instead of trying to analyze the story due to confusion, it's easier just to appreciate it for what it is. We hope you enjoy reading this as much as we enjoyed writing it._

**Disclaimer: We disclaim.**

Chapter 1: Hairy Pooter and the Sorcerer's Boner

Hairy Pooter was not average sized. Hairy Pooter was endowed with a gift that overcame his whole body. These abilities, however, were suppressed by his overbearing family. He knew he had talent, he just did not know what to do with it or where it came from. The power proved too much.

"Oh boy," he thought. "What am I going to do? It seems as if something magical is occurring for no apparent reason. It seems as if it leaked out. No matter. I will overcum this in a longwinded ironic fashion."

That afternoon, he received a letter from Hogsluts: School of Wanking and Wizardry. He opened the letter.

"Greetings, Hairy Pooter and welcome to Hogsluts: School of Wanking and Wizardry! You, o chosen one, have been accepted into our fine establishment due to your impeccable skills of penetration. Please be informed that you are to go to Platform 9 and three inches on the date of Puneter 1, XXX. You shall board the Hogsluts Sexpress, which shall take you to the school. Thank you for your consideration and we look forward to seeing you cum!

With breast wishes and fellatio dreams,

Dumblewhore"

Incinerated with feeling, Hairy folded up the letter into his crotchel region. He grabbed his spectacles and ran out the door. While his family dining dinner downstairs, he tiptoed through the foyer. He snuck out the house and meandered to the Kegel bus stop.

At the bus stop were a red-headed boy and a frizzy brunette girl.

"Hello," said the bright-eyed brunette. "How do you do?"

"Quite well, m'lady," replied Hairy.

"My name is Hermanjanite Granger and this is Ron Beaverly," said Hermanjanite.

"It is very pleasurable to make your acquaintance," Hairy said with a shiver of delight, almost to the point where his glans was engorged.

The bus came.

Hermanjanite, Ron and Hairy boarded the bus. The ride lasted as long as premature ejaculation. As they got off, they saw Platform 9 and 3 inches.

"How do we get to the Hogsluts Sexpress," exclaimed Ron with a twinkle of mischief.

"We must mount," moaned Hermanjanite.

"Okay," cried Hairy.

As they mounted in to the platform, they saw an orgy of people.

"Hot dog," screamed Ron. "This is titillating."

"Quite so," chortled Hairy.

They got on top of the train and they beated off to Hogsluts. As the train was vibrating, they ate sexually-arousing nourishment. They arrived at Hogsluts and gyrated toward the castle. Standing in front of the castle doors was a flushed and sweating homosapien.

"Yellow," bellowed a member of the male species. "I be Rubius Scrotum. Welcome to Hogsluts! I am pleasured to see you here. Cum in and feast."

"Why do we have to eat now," laughed a small statued boy.

"You need to quit," stated Hermanjanite.

"Who do you think you are," giggled the boy. "I am Draco Mouthonpenis! You cannot talk to me that way. The Mouthonpenis family has a long and hard history of being virile. You are equal to a house queef. Be gone! Cum Crabs and Gurgle. Off to feasting."

His cumpanions Crabs and Gurgle humped behind him in a rhythmic fashion. Draco's comments caused Hermanjanite's eyes to roll in the back of her head. She looked over at Hairy and Ron. They frowned erotically and walked in.

The headmaster, Anus Dumblewhore, was standing in front of a table with renowned professors, Minerva Majora and Seducius Snatch.

"Hi. Welcome. Eat," said Dumblewhore.

The pupils ate. As they were munching, Seducius Snatch brought out the enchanted talking dildo.

"Each of you shall be sorted in one of four brothels: Gryffindong, Slytherinher, Ravencunt and

Hufflespooge. Cum and behold the enchanted toy with the ability of communication!"

As each pupil was called out alphabetically, they were handed their own customized massagers. Ron was twitching with anticipation as he was watching his fellow assmates being penetrated through their soul by the dildo.

Finally, Ron's name was announced.

Ron galloped to the dildo in amusement. The dildo inserted itself in Ron's soul.

"GRIFFINDONG!" climaxed the dildo.

Some time passed and it was Hermanjanite's turn. She sashayed to the dildo.

"GRIFFINDONG!"

Hermanjanite did a triple salchow and headed toward the table.

When it was Draco's turn, he sauntered toward the dildo.

"SLTHYERINHER!"

He did a snarky smirk and descended to his table. Crabs and Gurgle did the same.

It was Hairy's turn. He felt it in his loins. As the dildo spurted his name, he clenched his fists and his calves became charley horses.

As beads of sweat dripped down his pectorals, the dildo climaxed, "GRIFFINDONG!"

And there was much rejoicing.

As the feast finished, Hairy, Ron and Hermanjanite traveled to where Professor Majora was standing.

"Let's go," said Professor Majora. So they did.

Before Hairy fell asleep, Ron whispered, "Watch out for Volemorecock. He is bad."

"I might or I might not. I have my massager anyway. I'll be sure to Ivana Kuminya him before he can say "oopsy daisy,"" replied Hairy.

Then they went to sleep.

The next morning, Volemorecock and his cumpanions attacked. But Hairy was ready.

"Hairy Pooter, I have been waiting for you," murmured Volemorecock.

"You can't do this and attack people. It's not cool. You need to calm down, man," Hairy said with a sly smile.

"I don't think that's going to happen, but thanks for your input."

Dueling occurred. Hermanjanite was protecting the school with a glans mucosa spell. Ron extenzoed Volemorecock's friends. The best friend of all was Bellalix Lelabia.

"Hey. Stop it," said Ron.

"Presto molesto!" shouted Bellalix.

Ron cried out, "No!"

Bellalix was defeated. Volemorecock's friends disappeared.

As Volemorecock and Hairy were pounding it out, Hairy's massager turned into a magical boner.

Volemorecock gasped. Hairy groaned in delight. The boner was from some old guy way back when with a history that was written down with words on pages in numerous books.

The boner plunged into Volemorecock. He screamed in disbelief that his massager was outsized by the gynormous boner. He shook his head and snarled, "I'll be back for you, Hairy Pooter! This is not over."

"Okay," said Hairy.

Dumblewhore walked over to Hairy. "You know Volemorecock will be back several times to fight you, right?"

"Yup," said Hairy.

"Okay. Just making sure."


	2. Hairy Pooter and the Chamber of Orifices

_Hello everyone! My friend, Faded Galaxia (.net/u/85828/Faded_Galaxia) and I created this parody just for fun and to make people laugh. The usual reaction to our stories is usually "wait…WHAT…?" Instead of trying to analyze the story due to confusion, it's easier just to appreciate it for what it is. We hope you enjoy reading this as much as we enjoyed writing it._

**Disclaimer: We disclaim.**

Chapter 2: Hairy Pooter and the Chamber of Orifices

The school year ended. They went home. Summer came. They went back to Glabella Alley in the month of Yarten.

Ron had a sister. Her name was Grafenberg. But they called her Graffy for short because it's just too long and unnecessary to speak out loud. Hairy thought she was hot. Graffy thought the same. But they held back their fondness of each other for an extended period of time.

After getting off the train, they skedaddled into Flourish and Tits. There was much conflict with Draco Mouthonpenis, Hairy and Ron. His father, Lubricant Mouthonpenis, also had an exchange of words with Ron's father, Art Beaverly.

After the confliction, Lubricant snuckled a diary in Graffy's bag. They were unaware of what had occurred. Lubricant and Draco left. Hairy, Ron, Graffy and Art finish shopping and bounced, yo.

They descended into the house of Ron's parents, the Ream.

"We have to go back to Hogsluts sometime soon," said Hairy.

"I know," replied Ron.

So they did.

Dumblewhore announced at the feast of a new Defense of the Dark Arse professor, Gilderoy Rockhard.

Hermanjanite swooned. She yearned for his touch and his drill hole. But it could never be so it never was.

In Graffy's spare time, she meandered through the diary Lubricant placed in her hackersack. She was hypnotized by its power and it controlled her actions, such as releasing a dangerous bassaslick throughout the school. Nobody knew about it and that was fine.

Stuff was going down. There was much mayhem and fear. It could not be stopped. It killed a pupil, which meant the Chamber of Orifices has been opened.

Hairy cavorted around the school and came across the diary after Graffy layed it somewhere. He wrote in it. Voldemorecock secretly concealed himself as his younger self, Testes Riddle. They conversed and it seemed as if Testes was Hairy's friend. However, since he can speak heighshehpien, which meant he could talk to snakes, he learnt that Testes was no friend. Testes was getting away with murder.

So, basically Hairy and Ron find the entrance, discover in a long winded amount of time that the Chamber of Orifices can be opened only through speaking heighshehpien.

"S'go!" shivered Ron.

"All righty," said Hairy.

Hairy stood in front of the entrance.

"Heighschinfierkscherfekschiff. Scherffhasheff. . Yimderffffffffff." bellowed Hairy.

"Wow, that sure worked," exclaimed Ron.

"Yes indeedy," muddled Hairy.

They walked in. Bassaslick was present. Ron looks at Hairy and says, "I'm going to leave so you can face him on your own. Bye."

Hairy saw Graffy on the ground with Testes Riddle standing above her.

"Hey," said Hairy.

"Well, here we are for the second time. Except, you can't stop me because I have a bassalick. Good luck with that."

Hairy ran around a bunch of times until Dumblewhore sent him the Sword of Griffindong.

"Hey, that's not fair," said Testes.

"Too bad," said Hairy. The bassalick didn't like it so he got mad for a while until Hairy throws the sword at the bassalick. Death resulted.

Testes shrugs and says, "At least I'm about to become Voldemorecock and rule everyone."

"Not just yet," said Hairy. He takes the diary and walks over to a trash can. He throws it in there. Testes glows with anger and vile hatred. He disappears again.

Graffy wakes up from whatever spell was put upon her.

They look at each other.

"Should we kiss," ponders Graffy.

"Nah. Let's not," Harry replied with a sly frown.

"Maybe later?"

"Sure."


End file.
